The things that really fuck me off.
As people might know, I used to number the lists of things that I made, but I often forgot how long I originally decided to rant for & then looked like an idiot who couldn’t count.
So; in no particular order are the top *insert obligatory number here* things that really fuck me off.
1. Lifts.
You might also come to know these as ‘elevators’.
Lifts are by far one of the most irritating devices in the world; not really improved upon in the last 100 years since some guy called Otis originally came up with the idea of the safety mechanism which means you wont plummet to your doom if the lift cable breaks (wheres the fun there…?), the only improvements to arise in the lift industry is the invention of smooth jazz and large mirrors.
You might be confused at this stage, shouting at the screen; “but Keith, lifts are important and centralized to our methods of operating in today’s hectic society”, to which I say discover the stairs.
I don’t actually have a problem with lifts per se, I guess the main issue I have with them is the awkwardness that envelops during the three hours you have to spend with a random stranger & despite my fantastic abilities to talk to random people, nothing seems to work with my temporary lift allies, which is why they pump smooth jazz into your awkward box to alleviate the tension, otherwise all you Americans would snap and break out you carbine semi automatic rifles. Don’t say you wouldn’t, we all know you would.
(You might have noticed in the above picture that there is no number 13 on the lift panel; this comes down to humans being fucking idiots; check it out next time you’re in a big building, most old ones refused to have a 13th floor.)
2. People who are just generally stupid.
On a recent visit to london I was trapped on a coach with several other members of this species and once again my conclusion was solidified that we are a complete load of idiots.
One wonderful example of this was various questions by middle aged people looking out the window and asking their significant others what marble arch was. Marble fucking arch. How can you not know what marble arch is? Oh and the wonderful american woman in front of me who didn’t know the answer to her friends question, whether america had ever had ever used the imperial system, at which point I wanted to punch her in the face for not knowing her own countries history. Don’t get me wrong, I dont expect the english to know that much about their history, but we’ve been round for a long time, america’s only been round for a few hundred years; talk about being lazy.
3. My inability to retain useful information.
Ask me what the triple point of water is; 0.01C or how many planets there are in the solar system; 13, random bits of information that get lodged in my brain and I just can’t seem to corkscrew them out no matter how hard I try. Information that is useful to me like birthdays and numbers and passwords go in one ear and totally out the other. The only way I can remember things is if they have a memorable date, such as new years day.
Why oh why my brain works this way I have no idea, I do believe its down to the amount of Mri and xray images that have been taken of it over the years & my ability to drink copious amounts of coffee.
The modern world that we live in is beautifully crafted so that we don’t have to remember everything; we have facebook to tell us when our anniversaries are, our friends birthdays and phone numbers, our pictures & memorable occasions as well as what bar everyones going to be at on saturday night; but this simply fucks me off that I have to rely on a website to give me this information instead of being able to retain it myself.
4. Conspiracy Theories.
So my girlfriend ealier on stopped looking at my hairy elbow and asked me if I believe we landed on the moon, a conversation she was having with one of her friends who pointed out a discrepancy with a piece of footage from the moon… Let me see if I can find it out. No I can’t; fuck it. The questionable incident occurs when one of the astronauts falls to the floor and it appears like he is being pulled or pushed back up with wires.
So I’m not having a go at my girlfriend or her friend, because they are simply relaying information that has been given to them; but the fuckwit who came up with this idea obviously has NO BASIC GRASP OF PHYSICS IN ANY WAY. Newtons third law; every action has an equal yet completely opposite reaction; meaning that in a low gravity environment there would be no gravitational force to keep them to the floor like there is on earth. Ever wondered why a ball bounces? Newtons third law, the only difference is that this is being applied on a much larger scale, and with no resistance to slow the large mass down either; what you will get is a force almost exactly the same as the momentum that came with you when you fell.
Okay, so maybe not everyone has a grasp of physics, no problemo. I understand; honestly I do, but do you go to a dentist and ask his opinions on why your plugs don’t work properly? No you fucking don’t; you go and see an electrician. Peoples opinions are null and void unless they have a fucking degree related to the subject matter. I don’t want your opinions, I want facts. Im a fact whore.
I guess I dont hate that much then; or maybe I just hate the noise my keyboard makes and can’t really be that bothered to finish this post.
Until next time motherlickers; this is me signing off.
