Mutant Rambler

Ahhhh a Rock Band, never have I been more jealous in spreading my How To knowledge than I am today. Becoming a successful rock band is more than just rehearsing and practicing, you can make it fun by following the steps laid out in this comprehensive guide.
Before we start; I do have to warn you…

Here is a simple and almost guaranteed process towards becoming a fantastic* rock band.

*Results may vary.

1. Approach the situation with an air of seriousness, after all this isn’t something like a job application or a wedding; this is serious fucking business.  If you can’t take your head out of the gutter at this stage than you should abandon all hope and join a string quartet.
2. Think of a fucking brutal name. As everyone knows, rock and roll music is all about show rather than the actual talent invovled, calling yourself ‘twat stamper extreme’ will really let any potential fans know that they are in for an ear bleeding, cunt punching time.
3. Start a myspace band page as soon as humanly possible, hey noones ever tried that idea before and I’m pretty sure that theres some money to made from it somewhere down the line; just make sure you grab all your potential fans attention by making the page as annoying as possible and by inviting people that you havn’t even met and aren’t sure even speak the same language as you do. Hey, you wouldn’t want to be called a racist would you?

Note:- Bonus points if you start your myspace before you actually have any songs written or recorded. Fuck, that just shows your true dedication to your fans

4. Start writing depressing music that is in keeping with your chosen (awesome) name. Make sure you don’t start doing anything stupid now such as coming up with an original idea, fuck you need to save that kind of attitude for the third record!
5. Start playing a few local gigs until approached by a talent scout (will definatly happen if you insert more swearing into your songs) make sure that you sign the first contract you ever get offered, as these are usually the best and will guarantee you the most money for least effort.

Note:- Signing up with two record labels will definatly get you bonus points in my books.

6. Keep on writing your awesome brand of music. Don’t listen to the press and keep on taking that ‘medication’ that your daughter is buying for you to help you with the nerves.
7. Reach the age of 27 and die from a cocaine/heroine related overdose, joining the awesome 27 club and guaranteeing that your name will go down in history as that really fucking awesome guy from that band that one time.

   I hope it was worth it.