I think the title says it all; I’m not talking about people who could do with loosing a little bit of weight, I am talking about full on heffalumps getting off on giving me health advice on a daily basis like they’re a temple of physique and health.
That's right baby. You tell me how to live my life
I’m pretty sure that being clinically, morbidly, ridiculously obese is more dangerous for you than any cigarette is going to be for me. Now, before you all start taking to your keyboards to leave me some wonderful comment below; please bear in mind that I know smoking is unhealthy and will probably be what kills me if I carry on for the next ten or twenty years. Believe me. I understand.
But the point is that I never aksed for your opinion. Noone did, because you’re fucking huge.
Do it... You know you want to.
You know how if you smoke in resteraunts someone comes over and fines you, why dont we do this for people like in the picture above? I’m pretty sure it would be a quick and easy way of saving the NHS some money.
Instead of hearing some jobsworth explaining to someone they can’t smoke that close to the doorway; they’re telling a fatty they can’t stand there because of health and satefy and it’s generally putting other people off their lives.
You say I smell because I smoke, well you smell because you’re sweating everywhere. You say I’m hurting people with my smoke. That is bullshit. I smoke outside, away from people. I imagine you sit on several children and old people daily. Now whos the fucking murderer?
So in recollection; ask me to stop smoking around you and I will; but when I then ask you to stop being so fat don’t turn round all righteous and tell me to do one. Its just rude.
You’re putting me off my dinner.
So a few months ago, myself and my colleague who also posts here from time to time were building a website; a website that was totally free to use and funded entirely from our personal wages, one that never made a penny and never got off the ground fully; For legal reasons I think it would be best if I don’t name what this website is incase someone actually sues us for slander.
Anyways, there we are plodding along with our friendly down to earth idea – I guess you could call it mother nature…ish – and we decided to incorporate it and release it to the world… Nothing. Lots of hard work for nothing.
Shit happens I guess, so we both decided to stop paying attention to the site and let it drift into the unknown, this was around 5 months ago.
Guess our suprise when we receive a threatening legal demand for thousands of pounds from a company (who will also remain nameless, although one could say they like to getty at your money) for using a 200 X 200 picture on our site; one that was included with our original web template that we purchased in good faith, and shall I say it again? Yes thats fucking right. <chuck norris> FOR A NON PROFIT WEBSITE. </chuck norris>
Explaining all this to the useless customer service representative on the end of the phone she then decided to speak to her manager and reduce the fee, rather helpfully, down to a measaly 800 or so pounds instead. The joy of it all.
I’d like to think that I am a patient kindof man, not much rattles me up and I work quite a stressful job but the sheer fucking frustration of that situation is one that still angers me to this day.
The website where we purchased this template from has now completely vanished so I’m pretty sure it was setup by this stock photo website to catch people out in the first place.
Am I the only one who thinks theres more to life than this shit?
As people might know, I used to number the lists of things that I made, but I often forgot how long I originally decided to rant for & then looked like an idiot who couldn’t count.
So; in no particular order are the top *insert obligatory number here* things that really fuck me off.
1. Lifts.
You might also come to know these as ‘elevators’.
Lifts are by far one of the most irritating devices in the world; not really improved upon in the last 100 years since some guy called Otis originally came up with the idea of the safety mechanism which means you wont plummet to your doom if the lift cable breaks (wheres the fun there…?), the only improvements to arise in the lift industry is the invention of smooth jazz and large mirrors.
You might be confused at this stage, shouting at the screen; “but Keith, lifts are important and centralized to our methods of operating in today’s hectic society”, to which I say discover the stairs.
I don’t actually have a problem with lifts per se, I guess the main issue I have with them is the awkwardness that envelops during the three hours you have to spend with a random stranger & despite my fantastic abilities to talk to random people, nothing seems to work with my temporary lift allies, which is why they pump smooth jazz into your awkward box to alleviate the tension, otherwise all you Americans would snap and break out you carbine semi automatic rifles. Don’t say you wouldn’t, we all know you would.
(You might have noticed in the above picture that there is no number 13 on the lift panel; this comes down to humans being fucking idiots; check it out next time you’re in a big building, most old ones refused to have a 13th floor.)
2. People who are just generally stupid.
On a recent visit to london I was trapped on a coach with several other members of this species and once again my conclusion was solidified that we are a complete load of idiots.
One wonderful example of this was various questions by middle aged people looking out the window and asking their significant others what marble arch was. Marble fucking arch. How can you not know what marble arch is? Oh and the wonderful american woman in front of me who didn’t know the answer to her friends question, whether america had ever had ever used the imperial system, at which point I wanted to punch her in the face for not knowing her own countries history. Don’t get me wrong, I dont expect the english to know that much about their history, but we’ve been round for a long time, america’s only been round for a few hundred years; talk about being lazy.
3. My inability to retain useful information.
Ask me what the triple point of water is; 0.01C or how many planets there are in the solar system; 13, random bits of information that get lodged in my brain and I just can’t seem to corkscrew them out no matter how hard I try. Information that is useful to me like birthdays and numbers and passwords go in one ear and totally out the other. The only way I can remember things is if they have a memorable date, such as new years day.
Why oh why my brain works this way I have no idea, I do believe its down to the amount of Mri and xray images that have been taken of it over the years & my ability to drink copious amounts of coffee.
The modern world that we live in is beautifully crafted so that we don’t have to remember everything; we have facebook to tell us when our anniversaries are, our friends birthdays and phone numbers, our pictures & memorable occasions as well as what bar everyones going to be at on saturday night; but this simply fucks me off that I have to rely on a website to give me this information instead of being able to retain it myself.
4. Conspiracy Theories.
So my girlfriend ealier on stopped looking at my hairy elbow and asked me if I believe we landed on the moon, a conversation she was having with one of her friends who pointed out a discrepancy with a piece of footage from the moon… Let me see if I can find it out. No I can’t; fuck it. The questionable incident occurs when one of the astronauts falls to the floor and it appears like he is being pulled or pushed back up with wires.
So I’m not having a go at my girlfriend or her friend, because they are simply relaying information that has been given to them; but the fuckwit who came up with this idea obviously has NO BASIC GRASP OF PHYSICS IN ANY WAY. Newtons third law; every action has an equal yet completely opposite reaction; meaning that in a low gravity environment there would be no gravitational force to keep them to the floor like there is on earth. Ever wondered why a ball bounces? Newtons third law, the only difference is that this is being applied on a much larger scale, and with no resistance to slow the large mass down either; what you will get is a force almost exactly the same as the momentum that came with you when you fell.
Okay, so maybe not everyone has a grasp of physics, no problemo. I understand; honestly I do, but do you go to a dentist and ask his opinions on why your plugs don’t work properly? No you fucking don’t; you go and see an electrician. Peoples opinions are null and void unless they have a fucking degree related to the subject matter. I don’t want your opinions, I want facts. Im a fact whore.
I guess I dont hate that much then; or maybe I just hate the noise my keyboard makes and can’t really be that bothered to finish this post.
Until next time motherlickers; this is me signing off.
I smoke alot, like more than is probably healthy for you. I guess in hindsight not smoking at all would be the healthiest option, but I do & so does my significant other. Why not pick up a shiny pack today and start enjoying the wonders of nicotine; with that smooth smooth extra tar flavor.
People who drive four wheel drive vehicles & then park them illegally should not be allowed to criticize me for smoking in their presence, under penalty of death; or at least a good flogging.
That looks like a perfect parking spot to me Majorie.
So next time you decide to illegally park your vehicle in a double yellow pickup only bay (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double-yellow_line#United_Kingdom … for our American readers) please dont be surprised when I tell you exactly what I think; because I have and I will continue to do so until you all stop being so fucking dumb.
oh and fat, stop being so fucking dumb and fucking fat.
So I haven’t been updating the site in a while; I get distracted by poon or making a video or a game or some shit like that and everything falls apart. Im even considering growing some plants, well, some plants or a beard. I really dont know if I have the emotional stability to be looking after plants.
I intend to start running a regular service once again. I know I always say that, but I really mean it this time… Im not going to let mutant rambler fall off the radar, look at all these adverts that need to be served to you all. I feel like I have a responsibility to our sponsors.
I shall leave you all with the following image, which is what greeted me on my return to my otherwise beautifully tidy website.
P.S. I find it really fucking ironic how all of the spam is being targeted at a post about corned beef. You’re kindof missing the mark slightly you cunts.
However, I quickly failed; because the best song in the world has already been written:
My dick cost a late night fee
Your dick got the HIV
My dick plays on the double feature screen
Your dick went straight to DVD
My dick – bigger than a bridge
Your dick look like a little kid’s
My dick – large like the Chargers, the whole team
Your shit look like you fourteen
My dick – locked in a cage, right
Your dick suffer from stage fright
My dick – so hot, it’s stolen
Your dick look like Gary Coleman
My dick – pink and big
Your dick stinks like shit
My dick got a Caesar do,
Your dick needs a tweezer, dude
My dick is like super size
Your dick look like two fries
My dick – more mass than the Earth
Your dick – half staff, it needs work
My dick – been there done that
Your dick sits there with dunce cap
My dick – V.I.P.
Your shit needs I.D.
It’s time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus
It’s time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus
My dick need no introduction
Your dick don’t even function
My dick served a whole lunch -in
Your dick – it look like a munchkin
My dick – size of a pumpkin
Your dick look like Macaulay Culkin
My dick – good good lovin’
Your dick – good for nothin’
My dick bench pressed 350
Your dick couldn’t shoplift at Thrifty
My dick – pretty damn skippy
Your dick – hungry as a hippie
My dick don’t fit down the chimney
Your dick is like a kid from the Philippines
My dick is like an M16
Your dick – broken vending machine
My dick parts the seas
Your dick farts and queefs
My dick – rumble in the jungle
Your dick got touched by your uncle
My dick goes to yoga
Your dick – fruit roll -up
My dick – grade -A beef
Your dick – Mayday geek
My dick – sick and dangerous
Your dick – quick and painless
My dick – ’nuff said.
Your dick loves Fred
It’s time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus
It’s time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.S. we got dicks like Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnzYG0ZkrXg
PS: Man my balls are fucking huge.
Oh I dont know. You think of a better post title.
So thats what I look like after a month of not posting on my beautiful website, confused and upside down; and before any of you cocks come to tell me otherwise, it is a website. Are you currently on mutantrambler.wordpress.com? No you’re not, or are you on mutantrambler.tumblr.com, too fuckin right you aint.
I never meant to leave this place so untidy either, its been so long since I logged in I had to reset my password. Bad times all round.
Ive noticed something recently, the correlation between me having nothing to do and the ammount of facial hair I have seems to be ridiculous; unfortunatly its not something that I could illustrate with a pie chart, seeing as how it would just be a big block of green. What a shitter.
Let me tell you something. I am fucked off with this island. If I had a boat I would set sail to france. Actually scratch that, I would go somewhere interesting; like japan.
I am sick and tired of people critisising me for what I want to do with my life, if you ever manage to almost run me over in your fucking 4×4 tank; please dont then take it upon yourself to get out and lecture me on the fact that I am smoking. Because if you do and my girlfriend isn’t with me I will punch you in your overweight fucking face.
This planet would be a hell of alot better if you all just shut up and minded your own damn business. What I choose to do to my lungs is my own decision & not one that is going to be motivated or educated by your university degree or liberal bullshit about how bad it is for me. DO YOU NOT THINK I KNOW THIS INFORMATION ALREADY? I appreciate that you are all obviously so motivated with my health and safety, but I dont give a shit.
Also since when did anyone have a problem with coffee? Whats so fucking bad about coffee. Fuck Ill drink your coffee if you dont want it, Ill have your doughnut as well you fucking prude.
I dont really know where I was going with that if truth be told. It just seemed like I needed to get it off my chest.
I think I should just point out that the next topic Im about to move onto is on politics.
Well, Cameron’s certainly managed to fuck things up hasn’t he? Hate to say I told you so.
Moving on, I was tempted for a while to make a video version of Mutant Rambler, but then I realised that I have a face for radio and noone really cares what I have to say. Im just a big fat arsecopter with a website and thats how its going to stay. Besides, none of you actually read anymore, im doing you a favour you ungrateful buggers.
So essentially it all comes down to one question doesnt it? What have we been doing for the past month?
Nothing.
Oh hang on, I think I can do a bit better than that.
Fuck all.
I now have enough free time on my hands to finally do all that stuff I wanted to do when I didnt have any time to do it. I just cant remember what it was, or why I wanted to do it in the first place. I have just resided to watching old episodes of stargate atlantis, bitter in the knowledge that Ill never get to hold a p90.
And to wrap up this disjointed push back into the beautiful online world, this is a picture of luke drunk. Fuck it.
Why does noone from Antarctica ever visit this website? Im really dissapointed.
Big veiny big dick veiny big beiny big big veiny dick dick dick big dick veiny DICK!
A little amendment from Keith: This is the facebook conversation me and Luke were having at the time that he decided to make this wonderful post.
As you can see, our conversations on facebook are alot more meaningful than the ones we have in real life.
Ok so I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I’m just a massive hypochondriac, much to the frustrations of my friends and doctor who have to listen to how I think I’m really dying this time. Its only a matter of time before he just sends me home with Prozac… Or placebos at least.
Man it sucks you know, but living this close to the fear of death all the time really puts things in perspective for you.
Right now my feet are twitching… could be lethal blood clots making their way to my lung, sorry if this post doesn’t get finished.
So I’m up at the doctors again for some blood tests and I decide to take my little brother along.
He’s an absolute bundle of joy!
So anyway, he’s wondering around the waiting area, giggling, chatting random noises and doing all those other things that make old people smile, girl laugh and guys pull that ‘I’m pretending I’m not interested‘ face.
He walks up to an old lady and grins a big cheeky grin and lets out the cutest noise in the world… What will she do?
She just sighs and looks away!
So here is a suggested new addition to our Health Centre.
I just don’t get it, how can some people be so crap.
So here is a list of things I don’t understand about some people…
1. Why is it that when a family buys a new fridge freezer, the mans wife insists that rather than head down to the pub he should cool some cans in the fridge and make the most of said new device?
2. Why do people start talking before I have finished my sentence? If you just want to talk go ahead, don’t ask my opinion on something just to get your foot in the door to a new conversation, just walk up and say “I’m an arrogant insufferable narcissist and I just know your going to enjoy listening to me blabber on about me me me me me for 20 minutes”
3. Why do people watch crappy programs about other peoples crappy lives? The program I’m referring to is ‘Real house wives of Orange county.’ This means that the last hour of Jeremy Kyle has been cancelled, a good show about peoples crappy lives.
4. Why do girls spend hours getting ready and made up for a night out then pretend they hate the attention?
5. Why do people upload rubbish quality videos to youtube? Its irritating, I’m not going to sit through your cover of whatever, your filming of whoever or your complaining about whatever if the quality is so low you could have uploaded the video to a calculator.
Rant over…. Good day MutantRambler fans!
